Pretty much any pop-punk band in history could have named themselves “Teens in Trouble”

This week from Sam and Josiah

Unlike my friend Josiah who appears hellbent on single handedly keeping Twitter alive I have basically stopped posting because I honestly have nothing of value to add and I’m not funny enough to just bait… whoever these people are who insist on taking him seriously multiple times a day. I did, however, debate posting a bunch of photos of the dog recently, because he is really opening up after almost four months here (plus one butt surgery to fix his painful, fucked up ass) and he SMILES sooooooo much now and I love him soooooooo much and he is soooooo cute and sweet. It was basically summer here in Toronto for a few hours last weekend so here he is just basking in both love (from me) and sun (from god). Now you get to see it. Aren’t you lucky!!

Here’s what we’re listening to this week.

Plutocracy Planet "This Very Severity"

Sam: In a world of interchangeable smooth-voiced punk guys, Bob Nanna has such a cool and distinct thing going. This guy just rocks, and we all know it! Hearing him croon over something so unlike his previous projects — kinda heavy, borderline new Genghis Tron vibes? — is immensely satisfying because it fits so well. Maybe Braid should have been doing this the whole time instead of all that histrionic herky-jerky sad boy material???

Jos: I thought of a joke. What is the favourite artist of an oldhead scenester Minion? Bobnanna! I think Minions say “banana” all the time but I can’t be sure because I’ve never watched those movies. I can’t convince Sara to watch them, but something about watching them alone when she’s out of town seems so unbelievably depressing. Anyway, I love how you can just slowly justify certain artistic choices, one at a time, because you respect an artist, and then you’re listening to this absolutely awful music that sounds like something from The Uncharted Zone because someone’s older brother told you Braid was good in 1998. 

Teens in Trouble “It's Up To Me”

Sam: If you write a pop-punk dirge, I’m gonna like it. Why don’t more dare to write in this plodding tempo? For those who risk all, the rewards are plenty! Like a breathless paragraph from me, here, and probably other stuff. Once the hand claps and “heys” are cooking, you know I’m ascending, but by the time the guitar / bells are squealing through the coda, I have died already. There is no saving me, write a plodding downstroke-heavy song in my memory. Thank you.

Jos: If you think about it, pretty much any pop-punk band in history could have named themselves “Teens in Trouble,” almost like a warning label to those that would dare let their children attend a concert unattended. Maybe I’ll eat my words one day, but this band doesn’t seem like they’re putting teens in trouble in that sense. In fact, they seem really nice. Sam loves these kinds of songs, but I think they take forever. That’s the only beef I have with this. 

One Step Closer “Leap Years” / Life’s Question “When I Meet God”

Jos: For years, it was so fun to really believe that hardcore was the best genre of rock music out there. I could scoff at all the garage rock bands for not having letterman jackets, and secretly turn my nose up at the art punks who didn’t have crewcuts. But hardcore and its adjacent culture has gotten so, so bad, rendering the music, merch, and everything else just unbearable. Every day, some likely-fake notes app drama drops about some band no one’s ever heard of, and all the Sephora and Hot Topic employees take a break from posting new variations of “touch my butt and buy me pizza” to be all epic about it. And then there’s the self-victimization of the “scene” in general, where they really think they’re “underdogs” for liking Knocked Loose. We’re beyond the pale — hardcore culture is as corny as metal was 10 years ago, if not worse since there aren’t nearly as many militant nerds. All of that is to say, I thought I’d check out the two new music videos from some medium-sized hardcore bands. I don’t understand why these songs have music videos, they both seem like they’d be something you’d load from an “enhanced CD” and break the family computer. One Step Closer sounds like mid-period Comeback Kid without the post-Christian undertones, and the singalong chorus is so annoying. Life’s Question is one of the funniest band names I’ve ever heard, a perfect phrase for dumb guys trying to be deep. But their music is not nearly deep or dumb enough. This song is so silly, and then the singing comes at the chorus. Not sure who needs to read this, but stop writing singalong choruses and work on your riffs.

Sam: Before I even started reading Josiah’s bit, my first thought when this song started was “this shit has to stop.” And that was before I heard the chorus to this One Step Closer song, which feels like something you’d hear at the end of a free Trustkill compilation that you never listen to a second time. Is this all hate5six’s fault? But in the Refused way where it’s not their fault that everything in their wake sucks unbelievably? As always I remain pleased with myself that I never really liked this and now I never have to!

Heavenly Blue “Static Voice Speaks Static To Me” 

Jos: Does finally admitting hardcore is bad bring me one step closer to embracing “skramz”? That’s life’s question…. This band Heavenly Blue is pretty sick, and I’m not just saying that because vocalist Mel was the guest on our “I’m So Tired” episode in Fuguzt. There’s sweet little guitar licks all throughout this song, it has wonderful mid-fi production, plenty of beautiful drum flourishes, and it’s catchy without resorting to switching genres at the chorus. The only thing that stresses me out is that there appears to be about 15 people in this band. How do they get to shows? 

Sam: Extremely sick. After years of teasing myself with only one night, I am finally going all-in and buying a weekend pass to New Friends Fest, which unsurprisingly features this too-big band alongside SAETIA?? And JEROMES DREAM????? I hope the YouTube-ification of all things never hits this scene (but as I typed that I started imagining a channel called The Skramz MBA and I kind of chortled). 

Sam: Regrettably you won’t catch Josiah at this one but Chayne and I officially have a regular thing going at Dundas Video (first Friday of every month) despite having no audience and consistently alienating anyone who walks into the bar by mistake (not in the “Death is Real nightcore remix” sense, but mostly because no one in Toronto wants to hear deep cut Korn into Wu-Tang I guess?). But we’re having fun and that’s all that counts. Have some big tunes ready to drop. 

Jos: I was a little shocked that there were no pod psychos at the last one of these when I was there. It’s not like I necessarily wanted someone to force me into a 15-minute all-eye-contact convo about Darius or the popscreen guy, but it also felt weird to not have that. Someone should go to this and punish Sam.